DOH-mer of The Week- The Cable Guy

Every coach has a style, and it’s implemented toward the leadership of their franchise. Some personalities are strong and have an impact on the roster. Others are passive, and the roster may control them. You can be the Wade Phillips type, standing on the sidelines with Jones’ hand up your ass, as a puppet gives a deceptive image of a leader. I’d still like to see Phillips talking at a press conference, while Jerry Jones drinks a glass of water in clear view. Until then, the ventriloquist continues to master his art. You can also be the tough persona, as shown by Niners interim coach Mike Singletary. Mike made it clear in his coaching debut that he doesn’t care how much money, how many commercials, or how many fans scream your name. On the field, you scream his name, because you are his b*tch, working only for him. And you can also be Norv Turner, blaming officials, members of the coaching staff, weather, tight underwear, and anything else for his team’s discomfort, without ever taking the blame himself. But Raiders interim coach, Mike Cable, in hopes of inspiring his team, took an approach that I would consider, well…DOH’merfied.

The Raiders have received more of these stupidity awards than anyone else. And trust me, it’s not because they are a hated team in the AFC West, but because they provide more asinine material than anyone else. They gave people quite a chuckle last week, with Cable having his offense (NFL low 9 touchdowns this season) practice touchdown celebrations. To quote quarterback Jamarcus Russell, “Now we do a thing in practice where guys run to the end zone. Or we make it to the end zone, as far as the offense, congratulate those guys, get used to doing it. The more you get used to it, the more you’ll be better with it on the field, as a team.”…Really?

I guess Mike Cable forgot to tell his team that on gameday you can’t run as freely to the end zone, because THERE ARE PEOPLE CHASING YOU. Those chuckles of last week became side splitting laughter, as the Raiders followed up their end zone celebrations in practice by getting shutout 24-0 on Sunday by the Atlanta Falcons. They followed up with the worst offensive display of the season, achieving just 3 first downs (none in the first half), 77 total yards, and just 10 yards passing.

Practice makes perfect? Hell no! It depends on what you’re working on. How about practicing QB protection, run blocking, route running and execution? How about beginning with “first down celebrations” and working your way up to “we’re in field goal range”? After being shutout, what will you feature in practice this week, a f*cking trial run ticker tape parade through the streets of Oakland? Jamarcus Russell can practice hoisting the Lombardi trophy, without fumbling it.

Ironically, with the shutout coming against the Atlanta Falcons, it brings me back to one of my earliest DOH’mers and his words. DeAngelo Hall claimed his forced trade and departure from Atlanta had nothing to do with money, and that he was just tired of losing. He wanted to play for a winner. His former team is currently 5-3, already surpassing their win total of 2007. His new team is 2-6, with only Kansas City keeping them out of the cellar in the AFC West. Nice choice MEangelo! How does it feel to be shutout by Arthur “BLANK”?
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~ by Anthony on November 3, 2008.

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