DOH-mer Of The Week- The PSU Bookworm

The choice couldn’t be more obvious for this week’s DOHmer, though UCLA’s Ben Howland (The Marv Levi of college basketball) came close. But the Bruins’ three time loser narrowly escaped the ball handling, sharp shooting, library masturbating point guard from Penn State. Who the hell has heard of Stanley Pringle, until now? Imagine his parents, waiting patiently for their son to make sports headlines, and then BAM…There he is! Of course, mom would say “they must be mistaken”, while dad let’s loose that “atta boy”! But either way, the nation has formally been introduced to their dear son.

Last week,as I read the strange article about Penn State’s handyman, I thought to myself, “Why can’t this guy get laid?” All the members of my team got laid. Hell, friends of the team got “laid by association”. But there’s also that understanding of fetishes, and his act was a result of want, and not of necessity. Everyone knows sex in public places is always more stimulating. Don’t we? So I would gather sex with self, in a public environment, must be the ultimate masturbation experience. Maybe I should try it. And then again…maybe not. I’ve also read that hanging yourself, right at that moment, leads to the ultimate orgasm. And as usual, my mind wonders how anyone would know this, when dead men tell no tales.

Anyway, back to Pringle. I concluded that he was fulfilling a fetish, but more questions arise. You’re sitting in a library, talking to a girl in front of you, and masturbating. What was the open book on the desk? National Geographic? Also, the library can’t possibly be the best place to do such a thing, because it’s too obvious. People don’t look that happy when they’re reading.

Then there’s the report of the second woman giving the same description of Pringle, as a masturbating male that followed her to a stairwell. If you’re masturbating, and you’re mobile, you obviously don’t give a f*ck! I think people that don’t give a f*ck pose a potential for danger. Don’t you? That part is a little scary, when you consider that he’s co-existing on a college campus with females. That is, IF he also represents the second sexual deviant in the stairwell. A quick library jerk may be harmless…sorta. But following victims is dangerous and concerning, at least in my eyes.

In the end, after a thorough interrogation (hopefully handcuffed), no formal charges were filed, and Pringle can go back to his role as a nobody on the Penn State basketball team. Well, a “nobody” at Penn State, but a “somebody” here, because he’s my DOHmer.

Also, seeing this former Wolverine also receiving indecency headlines, makes me believe I should have attended a Big 10 school, because the women must be scorching hot.

The Trojan Empire